Subsisto Alive Mihi
by jamietheresa
Summary: "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."- Brandi Snyder. Title is Latin for Stay Alive; For Me.


**Hi. This story has taken me over four months to write and it is literally a dream I had had. Of course there are some things I added to make it smooth but really it was all a dream. I used my OC Riley but completely changed her life. So in reality you don't have to know crap about her except the fact that she's in Big Time Rush. : )**

**I hope you enjoy this.**

"_Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy"_

**Part 1**

Waking up due to cold frigid air biting at your arms is not something one enjoys very much. It's defiantly something I'm not use to because I always have the warm confines of my bed to bury myself in. I also wasn't use to the rough gravel I was lying on and that's probably what made me open my eyes.

As soon as I did I was met with the sight of the black sky and its million stars. Not a cloud obscured the perfect sight which was saying something considering this was L.A. The beauty would have captivated me if my brain hadn't finally caught up with my body. That's when the pain hit.

My cry of pain rang through the still air, shattering any sense of silence. The pain was in my left arm and I have broken bones enough to know the agony that comes with it. I had no doubt that my left arm was shattered because any pressure on it caused me to scream again. To avoid anymore pain than necessary, I rolled onto my right side.

The sight I was met with overrode any thoughts my brain could have come up with. All thoughts of pain left my mind as I looked at the thing that use to be Kendall's car. My best friend's once beautiful BMW was flipped on its top, wheels still spinning and mashed to pieces. Smoke billowed out from the bottom of the car. The smell of it and gas mixed in the air and flooded my senses.

Yet the only thing I could think of was the four people I had been in that car with. Four people who were most likely still in there; alive or not. These thoughts only triggered the scene that I had forgotten about since I woke up. The scene that would be forever burned into my brain.

"_Really guys, our own song?" I called over the loud beats of "Famous" in a tone of disbelief. Regardless of my tone anyone could see the obvious amusement on my face._

"_Of course my dear Riley, everyone around needs to hear the greatest band in the history of the world." James yelled from the passenger seat with a wide grin._

"_Everyone, James there's no one around." I laughed out as I looked into the night through the window to my right. My eyes met the sight of empty streets surrounded my fields of dirt. I was surprised there were even paved streets and street lights out here._

_A hand lacing with mine drew my attention away from the empty streets to the teen sitting next to me. Logan was looking at me with that half-grin that always made my heart melt. I shared an amused look with my boyfriend before resting my head on his shoulder._

_Logan and I have been together for a year and a half. We got together when we were still in Minnesota and we are still together even after all the pressures of becoming a real band. People always say you don't fall in love-for real- until you're older and I disagree. I was head over heels in love with him and nothing was changing that._

"_Tell me again why we are out here the unknown regions of L.A. at three a.m." Kendall questioned from the drivers seat as he pulled up to a red light. _

"_Meteor shower, it's supposed to be the most visible at around this time." Logan explained with barely contained excitement._

"_Oh no he's going into geek mode." Carlos groaned, clasping his helmet straps with a playful grin._

_I lifted my head and turned Logan's face toward mine as the guys laughed. "I quite like him in geek mode, thank you very much." I announced before connecting my lips to his._

_James, Kendall, and Carlos all groaned something about no kissing in the car but I could only focus on the feel of kissing my boyfriend. It's probably the only reason I had no time to notice the lights illuminating the whole car. My eyes only snapped open when I heard Carlos scream Kendall's' name and I watched the car ram into us from over Logan's shoulder. The last thing I felt was Logan's hand tighten around mine and then nothing but black._

"Guys!" I screamed and in a blind panic rushed to my feet. The only thing that was washing away the pain was pure adrenalin and a dire need to get to my friends.

I noticed the truck that was in the middle of the intersection. The front was ripped to pieces and smoking but I couldn't bring myself to care right now. All that mattered to me was getting to that BMW.

When I got to the car, I immediately dropped to my knees of the driver's side. The damage to this side was gutting wrenching because I knew Kendall and Carlos had been on it. They took the harsh end of the crash. The windows were smashed in as if the had never been there to begin. Glass littered the surrounding area and it only made my fear grow.

Then I looked in the driver's window and saw Kendall. He was laying on what had been the roof completely limp. It was obvious that his seat belt had given out or else he'd still be hanging. What made me sick was the blood that was surrounding his whole torso and the angle his leg was placed. It wasn't natural to see it in that angle.

"Kendall." I whimpered, praying that the teen would just move. The only movement I saw was the rise and fall of his chest which only gave me an ounce of relief but I still _needed _him to wake up.

"Ri."A soft, pained groan filled my ears and my head snapped to the passenger seat. I knew that voice.

"James!" I cried and ran around the front of the car to drop to my knees by James.

James was in the same position Kendall had been and I couldn't help but curse those freaking seatbelts. I was overjoyed to see none of his limbs were in unnatural had a few cuts and bruises that weren't going to feel good later but he was in a healthy state.

"You okay?" James asked as I helped pull him out of the window as softly as possible.

"I will be when I check on Logan and Carlos." I replied, checking James over once again to make sure I didn't miss any fatal injuries.

"K-Kendall?" He stuttered out looking at me with wide hazel eyes. His breathing picked up to gasping breaths. He thought that sense I only said Logan and Carlos that meant Kendall was…._oh._

I grabbed James' chin with my good hand and forced him to look at me, "James, Kendall is alive, in bad shape but alive. Go check on him and Carlos." I told the panic stricken teen.

James nodded blindly and got to his feet, almost immediately collapsing. I grabbed him with my good hand once again, steadying him. He nodded at me, telling me he was okay before rushing over to the driver's side.

Then I had brace myself for whatever condition my boyfriend was in. I dropped to my knees and looked inside the smashed car.

_I barely had enough time to turn away and empty my stomach._

"Riley?" I vaguely heard James shout and the sound of rushing footsteps. A warm hand was placed on my back, rubbing soothing circles in my back as I continued to heave. "What's wrong?" James asked softly, brushing my auburn hair away from my face.

"L-Logan." Was all I replied with, unable to stop the sob at the mere _image _of Logan that would be forever burned in my eyes. I felt James leave my side, hesitantly, and move over to view Logan. James' chocked gasp was my only indicator that he had seen what I'd seen.

He'd seen the blood that was pooled around Logan's head like a halo from Hell. He'd seen the glass that was _clearly _imbedded in my boyfriends back causing blood to stain the teen's favorite blue shirt. James had seen how pale Logan's' skin was-more so than normal- and he'd seen how void his best friends face was of emotion, no pain was etched on his beautiful face. He'd seen the worst part; he'd seen Logan's eyes wide open-unmoving.

Suddenly I screamed, I screamed so loud I'm pretty sure people residing in Antarctica heard me. It was filled with despair, pain, agony, hopelessness and complete and utter horror. Sobs raked through my chest with no mercy as the image of the person I loved flashed through my brain.

_No, not Logan please not Logan. He wasn't supposed to end up like this….he was supposed to save people like this. Logan, oh God please don't do this to me! You promised to never leave, God dammit you swor-_

"Riley, stop!" James' voice suddenly cut through my anguish, making me realize that I had been screaming out my thoughts. "His heart is beating, Ri, he's still here." James explained as he gently led me back to the car.

I was almost afraid to look again but I knew I had too. Logan's eyes were closed and I silently thanked James for this, I wouldn't have made it if saw those emotionless eyes again. I moved slowly to put my uninjured hand under my boyfriend's chest. I placed my hand over where his heart was and immediately cried out in relief. The relief at feeling Logan's heartbeat caused me to ignore James as he called for help.

The sobs stopped as I kept my hand over Logan's heart and I took deep breaths to keep myself under control. Logan was alive for the moment and I had to relish in that small victory. I felt James put a hand on my back in comfort.

"Help is coming." He murmured as if he spoke any louder I'd start screaming again. I couldn't bring myself to be embarrassed.

"C-Carlos?" I whispered, not taking my eyes off of Logan.

"Breathing; we're all still alive Riley." James assured me in soft, soothing tones. Besides Logan, James had always been the one I could come to if I was over emotional. He just understood things that most wouldn't. Logan may be my other half, Carlos may be my best friend and Kendall may be my brother by adoption but James was practically my twin.

"God, h-he just wanted to see the meteor shower," I cried, my words almost slurring, "was that so bad?" Tears fell silently down my face as my hand clutched onto Logan's shirt like a life line.

James wrapped me in a protective hold from behind and muttered out a simple 'I know' over and over again. I just let the tears fall as we silently waited for the ambulance; nothing else was on my mind except my four best friends. Kendall was alive and breathing but so obviously broken that it pained me; Kendall Knight should never look that vulnerable. Carlos was alive and breathing also but James didn't give me any hints as to what his condition was. Logan was…._Logan_, I couldn't even think of him without wanting to hurl again. James was conscious, breathing and talking and I counted that as a victory but I was worried about the amount of stress both of us were about to go through.

As if reading my thoughts James said, "We're going to be okay, we'll do this; together."

I couldn't help but believe him as the sound of sirens filled the silent air.

**Part 2**

They wouldn't let me ride with Logan. James had to physically pull me away from the paramedics as they took Logan away. Two other ambulances had already taken Carlos and Kendall away and all that was left for me to focus on was James. He refused to leave my side as I was loaded into the next ambulance and since he wasn't hurt that badly, the paramedics allowed it.

Finally when I was strapped down onto the stretcher, the pain returned in full force. Now it wasn't only my arm but my whole chest now felt like it was on fire. The paramedics, who I hadn't even bothered to learn the names of, quickly moved to make the pain lessen. I screwed my eyes shut as they place a needle into the crook of my arm, I had never liked needles.

A warm hand was placed on my forehead and I cracked my eyes open to see James leaning over me giving me a comforting smile. I could feel sleep creeping up on me but I simply refused to succumb to it. "Sleep Riley." James ordered, wiping away my bangs with brotherly affection.

I shook my head, "What if I wake up and you're all gone?"

"I'll be right by your side when you wake. The guys will be all right so worry about yourself for once." James promised and I slowly allowed my eyes to drop shut.

"_Ri?" A familiar voice called. I looked up from my plastic hospital chair to see my four best friends rushing to me, Kendall in the lead._

_Kendall bent down in front of me, Logan right next to him while James and Carlos sat on either side of me. I looked at them through emotionless eyes, not even being able to mutter a word. _

"_Riley what happened?" Logan asked, gripping my hands from where they had been bunched in my hair. _

"_She killed herself. She said it was too much to handle and she-she…" I stuttered out, staring at the blood that still covered my hands. My mind played over the scene of my mom drunk and crying over the recent death of my father. It was normal for her to do this so when I had seen her snatch up the kitchen knife I knew this wasn't like the other times. I could still hear her apologizing to me over and over as she bled out and I could do nothing. _

_I looked at my best friends, "What do I do now that I have no mom or dad?" I asked sounding four instead of fourteen. After that I collapsed into my best friends arms, choking on the sobs that were ripping through my throat. _

_That had been the day I was adopted by the Knights considering I had no family left. _

I felt a soothing presence lying next to me and two distant but familiar voices softly singing and I instantly recognized them as James and Kendall. My eyes snapped open and I felt fat tears rolling down my cheeks but I also felt James' chest under my head. I looked around the dull hospital room I knew I was in and took in the heart machine and other machines that surrounded me. There was a dull pain in my chest and cast covered arm but I didn't focus on that. What I did focus on was my brother awake and alert in the hospital bed next to mine.

"Hey sis." Kendall whispered with a broken smile. He had cuts and bruise on his face, some were stitched while others had simple bandages. His right leg was casted and elevated because of an obvious break. What scared me the most about my fearless best friend was the completely terrified look in his eyes.

"H-hi Kendall." I breathed right back finally settling on the feeling of relief at the knowledge that Kendall and James were both awake.

"What were you dreaming about?" James asked softly and brushing away the final tears on my cheeks.

"The day my mom died." I mumbled looking away from my best friends to look at my cast where it looked like James had already began drawing on it.

James gave my uninjured hand a squeeze in silent comfort. "You never did like hospitals after that." Kendall remembered and I just nodded before looking over James to make sure he was alright.

Like Kendall, his cuts and bruises were covered with bandages and thankfully he looked free of broken bones or any permanent damage. Knowing both of them didn't have any close chance of dying anytime soon I finally asked what was really on my mind. "How are Logan and Carlos?"

I watched as Kendall and James shared a hesitant glance and it made me extremely nervous. "Guys, what happened to them?"

"One-one of Carlos' broken ribs punctured his lung. He's on a breathing mask until he can breathe on his own. But he's looking at two months in the hospital unless he develops an infection, if he does then it won't be looking to good for him." James explained sounding close to tears.

I could only gape and want nothing more than to wrap the small teen into my arms so I could protect him from the world. Little Carlos Garcia was never supposed to be this hurt, sure he suffered through broken bones and concussions but nothing like this. Never had he had to be bed ridden for so long. It was relieving that he was breathing but it was hardly on his own.

"And Logan?" I dared to ask.

I felt James take a deep shuddering breath before opening his mouth to speak. "He's alive, breathing and talking. He's going to have scarring on his face and back," James paused and I could _feel _the but coming, "Riley, he has no feeling in his legs. His spinal cord was damaged in the crash and the doctors don't know if he'll ever be able to use his legs again."

As I zoned out I faintly hear Kendall choke on his own tears while James just flat out cried. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe. All I could think of was my boyfriend in the worst condition of his life and I wasn't next to him.

When the doctor walked in minutes later all I could say was, "Get me to my boyfriend, now."

**Part 3**

It didn't take long to get the three of us to Logan and Carlos' hospital room. Neither, Kendall or I needed to stay in a hospital bed but we were both advised to bed rest and physical therapy for our broken bones. Kendall was ordered to a wheel chair until the gash on his stomach healed which would only take about a week. Then he would be free to move on crutches.

Mama Knight and Katie had both been with Logan and Carlos but left when we came so we could have some time with them. Both Logan and Carlos' parents were on flights out to LA and would be here early tomorrow morning.

Trembling, I pushed open the door to room 116 where my best friend and boyfriend were. I stepped in and refused to look up until James had wheeled Kendall in and shut the door. Only then did I look and almost immediately collapse.

Carlos was in the bed closest to the door looking completely un-Carlos like. His Hispanic skin was pale and his arms were covered in shockingly white bandages. A terrifying breathing mask was placed over his mouth and nose, attaching him to a large machine next to the EKG hooked up to him. Carlos looked like a tiny five year old instead of a small 17 year old teenager. His eyes were open and I met his chocolate gaze shakily. Tears ran down my cheeks when he weakly raised his hand and flashed a small wave at me.

I rushed to him and hugged him as lightly as possible before placing a kiss on his cheek. "Stay strong Carlitos." I breathed into his ear earning a small nod from him. Then I turned to Logan.

Logan was hooked up to his own heart monitor but that was it. A stitched up cut ran across his face only breaking at his eye and nose before stopping at the corner of his mouth. His arms were bandaged like Carlos' and a blanket was place over his legs. That seemed to speak volumes. His eyes were closed but I had a feeling he was wide awake.

I walked to his bed and being extra careful of his heart monitor, I pulled myself up onto his bed. I turned onto my side, making sure not to jar my bruised ribs, and lay my right arm over his stomach. My broken arm was fit at ease next to his bandaged arm and I couldn't be more comfortable.

Logan troubled brown eyes opened and looked down at me where my head was against his shoulder. My eyes filled with tears as he raised his arm and softly placed his hand on my cheek. His thumb grazed one of the scratches there and then allowed his eyes to roam over my cast. I knew he was silently making sure I had no damaging injuries that could take me away.

"Hi." I choked out, lacing our hands together.

"H-hi baby." He breathed, pushing his face into my hair as if he were hiding.

"I love you." I told him not realizing that I had thought I would never be able to say it again till this very moment.

"Love you too, so much." Logan replied, his breath hitching in his own tears and pulling me close.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I continued to speak softly to him. "I…we are going to fix you. You'll be okay." I promised the teen and we both knew what I was talking about.

His red rimmed eyes met mine as he said, "But I'm useless Ri."

"No, you're mine, my boyfriend, my best friend and my everything. Those legs don't define you Logan Mitchell." I said looking at him with fierce eyes that burned with truth.

Logan nodded and buried his face in my hair once again.

"Guys." Kendall's strained voice filled the room bring all attention to my brother. He was pale and his eyes were red and puffy from crying while his hair was a mess from his hands running through it. "Guys, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, I should have seen that guy coming for us, I should have-"

"Kendall, shut up." Logan cut him off, looking at Kendall over the top of my head.

"I caused this, Logie it's my fault you can't walk." Kendall cried locking frantic eyes with Logan's calm ones. I traded uneasy looks with James and Carlos but we all knew Logan was best to handle this situation.

"Did you drive that car into us?" Logan asked Kendall, jaw set and eyes blazing.

Kendall shook his and said, "No but-"

"No buts Kendall. That guy hit _us. _You were simply driving like you were supposed to. You couldn't have stopped it if you tried. The glass that had been imbedded in my spine is the reason I can't walk, you're not the reason." Logan replied in a soft voice he knew he needed to use to get through to Kendall.

"Listen to him Kendall, when has Logan's logic ever failed us?" Carlos' rough, faint voice said, causing us all to jump. I looked over to the small teen to see him replacing the oxygen mask and slump back into his pillow. Its obvious that saying a simple sentence wore Carlos out and that terrified me. I didn't like Carlos not being able to talk a lot because Carlos did talk way too much, but that was him.

I watched as Kendall let both Logan and Carlos's words sink in and watched as he mentally fought them. I watched James settle as the foot of Carlos's bed and silently take vigil over him and Kendall. I watched Logan lay back into his pillows and place his head atop of mine. I watched all of us try to stay strong and stay together and couldn't help but think of the song we have all loved since we were kids.

This song got us through everything in our childhood. The guys and I sang it to Kendall when his father died when we were 10. The guys sang it to me when both of my parents died within a week of each other. I sang it at a talent show with James when he was too frightened to go on stage alone. Logan had whispered it to me as it played around our school's gym where we shared our first dance as a couple. It defined us.

"Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes come on and come to me now. Don't be ashamed to cry let me see you through 'cause I've seen the dark side too. When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do; nothing you confess could make me love you less. I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you…." I softly sang, my voice only slightly muffled from where I was laying on Logan's chest but the message got across.

_We'd survive._

**Part 4**

"Are you happy to be home?" I asked Logan softly as I pushed his wheelchair through the door of 2J.

It had been two months since the crash and we were _all _finally home. Of course James, Kendall and I have been back and forth from 2J to the hospital but now we could all be home together.

Carlos' lung had healed without problems. It had been scary because the threat of infection always loomed above him but eventually it healed. He'd have scarring on his lung for the rest of his life which would prevent him from doing a lot of strenuous activities such as dancing and long hours of hockey. It is something that will affect him but we were all just happy he pulled out of it breathing.

Logan…Logan's legs still hasn't gotten feeling. I could see it in the doctor's eyes; they believed he would never walk again. I didn't believe that. I knew Logan had lost hope of ever walking again and that changed him. He didn't smile as much anymore and withdrew into himself for hours but I still stuck to him. I refused to let him curl into himself and refused to let him completely give up, even if he was pulling away from me with rapid pace.

Kendall was still overcome with guilt. No matter what we said or what we did, he still blamed himself for the crash. His cast had come off a week ago but that hardly brought a smile to his lips. It was odd seeing Kendall Knight in such a state of emptiness. He didn't act the leader anymore and cried a lot more than before the crash. I don't know if he'd ever be the Kendall I knew before.

James was amazing. He healed completely with a few scars but far better than the others. Between the both of us we took up everyone's roles. He and I split the leader role while I took to being the voice of reason and he took to trying to make everyone smile at least once a day. It was hard to be what our friends use to be but we had to, we had to have some semblance of normal.

Me? I didn't really know how I faired anymore. My arm healed but still caused me aches once in a while. Different scars littered my body but I was okay with that. I stopped thinking about anything that had to do with myself and focused on my friends. I focused on helping Carlos learn easier ways to breathe, I focused on making sure James didn't go overboard with looking out for everyone, I focused on keeping Kendall from drowning in guilt and I focused of trying to show Logan he was still worth so much.

"Yeah." Logan breathed and looked around the apartment that we had lived in like normal teens only two months ago.

I watched him look from the couch to swirly and immediately the dark emotions once again crossed his face. The face that was now and forever would be scarred but that gash that had been there. I didn't think it marred his beauty one bit but I knew he hated it. I knew his thoughts were drifting to the things he couldn't do because of his legs, and I knew I couldn't stop his thoughts.

"Can I just go to bed?" Logan asked in a low voice that was stuck between rage and grief.

"Course." I replied trying not to let my broken heart sink into my voice. With my jaw clenched so a sob wouldn't escape, I pushed Logan through the hall to his and Kendall's room.

Only Kendall's side of the room looked used. Some nights I has slept in Logan's bed so I could feel him and be close to my brother but that's all its been used for. I rolled him to his bed and put up the brakes on his wheels. I moved to help him but stopped when he held up his hand.

"I don't need help." Logan snapped and I had to force myself not to jump. This was normal now.

"Right." I whispered and slowly stepped away and left. No words could describe how badly I wanted to kiss him and tell him I loved him but I knew that would only anger him. It's almost like anything I try to do for him angers him now and I hate it.

I softly closed the door to his room and leaned against it trying not to let the complete depression settle in. I had to be strong. A warm hand on my shoulder made me look up into the stare of my brother. Kendall simply looked at me with a broken expression and pulled me into his arms.

I held onto him tightly and buried my head into his chest. He held onto me tightly as sobs formed and ripped through my chest with no mercy. "Don't l-leave me like he did, please." I begged into Kendall's chest. We both knew who I was referring to.

"I won't." he replied and continued to hold me until I stopped crying. Kendall may be on the edge of depression but he still knew when to be my best friend and brother.

Once I was okay, Kendall let go of me and retreated into where I just had left Logan. After the door closed I moved into the living room where Katie and Carlos were playing video games, Mama Knight was making dinner and James was at the table with school books surrounding him.

After the crash we started homeschooling. Kendall, James and I refused to leave Carlos and Logan alone and go to school so Mama Knight allowed us to pick up homeschooling. It was difficult considering Logan was so withdrawn he could barely get his own school work done let alone help us. That put me as the next genius and I ended up with tutoring everyone, except Logan.

"Need help?" I questioned James, sitting down across from him. He had his history book open but looked to be getting no where.

James shook his head, "I get it, I just keeping reading the same line over and over."

"Take a break and nap or something." I suggested nodding to his and Carlos' room.

James looked at me closely and I sat still to let him analyze me. I knew he was looking for anything that could be wrong with me. He did it quite often and usually found everything. "When was the last time you slept all night or ate a full meal Ri?" James asked seriously.

I sighed. "Before the crash." I replied knowing I couldn't lie to James. It was true though. I couldn't sleep without waking up from nightmares and I didn't even have Logan there to make it better. Food simply made me feel sick and I truly had no time to eat with school work and taking care of everyone.

James eyes widened and I knew I was in for it. "Riley Jay Knight, why haven't you been taking care of yourself?" My head snapped up at the use of my legal last name. I loved being part of the Knights but I still preferred to use King instead. It was my way of keeping my parents alive and James knew I would listen if he didn't use it.

"Did you know Logan hasn't told me he loved me in a month? Did you know he won't kiss me anymore or let me hold his hand? Every time I close my eyes I see the crash but in different scenarios. Someone dies or you all die and all I want to wake up to is him holding me. Food just makes me sick. Okay? That's why James." I said my voice steadily getting more heated. I roughly pushed away from the table feeling angrier with myself than James. He was only looking out for me.

As I was passing him to go to my room I knew I couldn't just leave after snapping at him like that. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck from behind and hugged him. James relaxed and gave my wrist a light squeeze. "You're my rock right now Riley, I need you." He whispered.

"I'll stand by you James." I breathed and retreated to my room.

A few days passed and nothing changed. Logan still avoided me, Carlos wouldn't crack a joke, James watched me like a hawk and Kendall simply withdrew from us all. I hadn't eaten in days and I slept only to watch my best friends die over and over.

And things only got worse.

It was a Friday morning, three days since Logan and Carlos came home from the hospital. The guys, Katie and I were crowded around the table doing school work. Of course Logan and Kendall said nothing while I tried to help Carlos, James and Katie so when the phone rang it was a silent relief.

"Hello?" I answered with a sigh.

"Riley? It's Kelly."

I furrowed my eyebrows at the sound of Kelly sounding so upset. Since the crash Big Time Rush had been put on hold by Griffin. He was surprisingly sympathetic to the situation and was paying for everything while we recovered and I couldn't be more thankful. Now I was kind of worrying.

"Hey Kelly, what's up?" I asked and turned my back on the curious eyes from the table.

"How are you all doing?" She said obviously avoiding what she really called for.

"We're getting by." I replied. There was no need to tell her it was worse than I was making it sound.

"That's good." She commented and I knew instantly this wasn't the real reason she had called.

"Kelly why did you really call?" I asked with a sigh because I just wanted to get to the point.

"Griffin is giving us three weeks to get back in business, he needs his singers back but he said he understands if you don't dance anymore." Kelly explained bluntly and I felt dread settling in. The sound of her voice told me she had already tried to fight this and that it was no use but I had to try.

"Carlos can barely catch his breath after talking let alone singing. James and I have schoolwork while trying to keep everyone together and Kendall is so guilty I can't look at his eyes without cringing. Logan can't walk." I hissed into the phone unknowingly taking my hurt and anger out on the wrong person. I had to keep my voice down so my audience couldn't hear me. They couldn't do this, not so soon. I understood that we would have to go back but not so soon, we were still too broken.

"We tried Riley, believe me we tried but he's unrelenting." Kelly admitted and I knew she was telling the truth.

I sighed. "Okay. Thanks for the heads up." I said, still with clenched fists and a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

"Get well Riley." Kelly suggested before I hung up violently.

"Fuck." I cursed slamming the phone on the receiver and tugging at my hair. Tears of frustration and hopelessness rolled down my cheeks because we were too _broken. _

"Ri?" Carlos croaked from the kitchen table and I spun to face the audience I forgot I had. They were all looking at me curiously and I just shook my head.

I couldn't do this. I wasn't a leader like Kendall, he knew had to file everything in his brain so he wasn't overwhelmed. I had no idea what I was doing. The stress was too much. They needed to be fixed but I couldn't do that for them, not anymore. Everything I was doing did nothing because if it had they would be okay. It was simple, I couldn't do it.

"Don't follow me." I demanded even though I knew one of them would.

I ran from the apartment and didn't stop my legs. I took the two flights of stairs down to the lobby and continued my long strides until I was outside. The cool California air did nothing for my sick stomach and clouded head. When I reached the Palm woods park I collapsed under a large shady tree staying completely oblivious to everything except myself.

Nothing about me felt good. My eyes were drooping from lack of sleep while my stomach was rolling from not eating. I knew something was definitely wrong with me but I just didn't care anymore. I've done all I can do and now everything was coming to bitter ends.

I lay my head back on the tree behind me and closed my eyes. Soon whatever was wrong with me grabbed a hold of me and yanked me to oblivion.

**Part 5**

Endless darkness was all I knew for a time unknown. There was nothing to anchor me to the place of light, to where I knew life was. It was darkness and I couldn't fight it no matter how hard I tried. To be honest, I didn't know if I wanted to. There was no pain here, no stress and no sadness.

Suddenly warmth encased what I knew to be my hand. It was familiar and I needed it, I have needed it for the longest time. "Come on baby. " His voice urged fighting the darkness around me. I latched onto his hand and dragged myself into the world of conciseness.

The first thing I noticed was how good I felt for the first time since the crash. It felt like my body had been renewed from the sick state it had been in. Then I felt the uncomfortable bed under me and I knew instantly that it was a hospital bed. That scared me because I didn't know _why _I was in a hospital bed.

"Lo." I whimpered my voice rough and scratchy.

I felt Logan jump from where he was holding my hand before he leaned in close. "Open your eyes Ri." Logan whispered and he placed a hand on my cheek before stroking it.

I slowly cracked my eyes open and I was met with the sight of blindingly white walls. Logan was in his wheelchair next to my bed. His lovely chocolate eyes were red rimmed and puffy from crying but had a small smile. A smile I haven't seen grace his lips in weeks.

"Theres those eyes I've missed." He breathed continuing to stroke my cheek gently.

"What happened Logan?" I questioned, wondering how I got here and why Logan was finally acting like my boyfriend again.

Logan bit his lip before locking eyes with me. "After you stormed out James ran after you. He found you in the Palm woods Park uncounciess and couldn't wake you up so he called 911." He explained but I could feel that he was leaving out something.

"Is there anything else?"

"The doctor says you're just exhausted from stress and the fact that you haven't been eating didn't help you much," Logan paused looking at me with glassy eyes, "Ri, I've been around and I didn't do anything. I didn't pay attention enough to see you fading away. I could have lost you."

I looked away from his rapidly tearing eyes, afraid mine would burst too. "You avoided me, you didn't care." I replied with a shake of the head.

Logan let go of my hand in favor of making me look at him. He had both of his hands on either side of my face and I knew he wished he could climb up here with me. "I care Riley, I care so much that I distanced myself from you. I didn't want you being stuck with someone who couldn't even use his legs anymore. But the thought that I could have lost you today made me completely forget that. I can't lose you, I love you too much." I searched his face for anything that might tell me he was lying but if there was one thing I could do perfectly, it was reading Logan. What I saw on his face pure need and honesty and that made up my mind.

"Don't ever do that to me again Logan Mitchell." I told him latching onto his wrists so he couldn't move his hands.

"Never again." Logan promised before I bent down to pull his lips to mine.

I kissed Logan like my life depended on it. Pure electricity shot through me at the touch of him for the first time in weeks. It was all to perfect for me to ever explain. All I knew was I loved Logan and kissing him was what I was meant to do.

When air became a demand I broke apart from him and lay back down. I chuckled at the sound of my heart monitor beating rapidly and I knew why. "You hear that," I whispered running my hand through his hair, "regardless of what you do or what is wrong with you, you still make my heart do that."

I only realized how badly he needed to hear that when a grin spread across his face, wider than I have seen since the crash. "God, I love you Riley." Logan commented, holding my left hand in both of his.

"I love you too Logie." I replied giving him a smile.

I jumped when the door opened but relaxed when I saw three familiar people walk in. "Hey guys." I greeted gently trying to show them I was okay through a small smile.

James collapsed against the door, relief clear on his face while Kendall and Carlos rushed to my bed. Nothing stopped Kendall from clutching my free hand or from Carlos climbing up and giving me a fierce hug. When I felt Carlos choke on his own tears, I let go of Logan and Kendall's hands in favor of holding my small best friend.

"Don't leave us Riley." Carlos choked out, gasping around his cries.

Subconsciously I tightened my hold on the Latino but I was shocked. I didn't know I had scared them that much. I really hoped this didn't curb their mental recovery at all. "Shh, it's okay Carlos. I'm here and I swear I'm not going anywhere." I told the upset teen.

He nodded into my shoulder and slowly let go of me. I gave his shoulder a squeeze before he climbed off the bed. Kendall stood and pushed the shaky Carlos into his chair before sitting on the bed with me. I looked up into my brothers green eyes and found them filling with tears.

"You okay Kendall?" I asked him softly.

Kendall shut his eyes tightly and a few tears escaped before he opened them again. "I promise you won't ever have to be the leader like that again. None of us are ever going to let you take everything on your shoulders ever again." Kendall promised with that famous Knight-Fire in his eyes.

I could have collapsed in relief at that familiar expression on his face. It was that expression he adopted whenever he was determined to fix the problems of his loved ones. It was one that had always been there before the crash and I didn't realize how much I missed it till now. Never would I let that expression ever leave his face again, I needed it there. I couldn't pull it off like he could.

"I can take it once in a while; I'm not some fine china." I mumbled but developed a wry smile anyway when Kendall, Carlos and Logan actually smiled. _God, it was amazing to see them smile again._

"Oh we know." Kendall said, chuckling. He moved away after giving my hand a quick squeeze.

James finally came and sat next to me and softly brushed my bangs away. He zeroed in on my eyes and that's when the silent conversation started. All I read was relief and stress layered up in those hazel eyes. _"Don't do that to me again."_ It could have been said aloud for all I knew but somehow I know he didn't.

I nodded and allowed him to pull me into his arms. It really wasn't long before three other sets of arms wrapped around us.

Finally we were on the true road to healing. Before we were healing physically but we weren't mentally and it was because we wouldn't open up to each other. Now that was going to change, we needed one another to make it and we were realizing it. If I had known collapsing would result in that then I would have done it a long time ago because this is what I had needed, what we had all needed.

**Part 6**

_One Month Later_

"Fish Stick Friday!"Carlos's eager voice shouted throughout 2J. I rolled my eyes yet couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.

Since my little trip to the hospital, everything had gone up hill. Sure we still had our off days but we were far better than we were. Carlos fully healed but had small asthma issues here and there. James and I were 100% healed and healthy as ever except for scars of course. Kendall got his cast off but his leg bugged him sometimes after being on it for a long period of time but it was improvement. Logan still hadn't gotten feeling in his legs but he was learning to deal and prevail.

We returned to work as Big Time Rush without the dancing. In ways I enjoyed the no dancing part because we focused everything on the music and made it more meaningful than anything it was before. I felt that our music now is ten times better than what it was but that's my opinion. I have to frequently remind Logan of that when he goes through guilt trips about holding us back.

_Things were good._

"Calm down Carlos." I called from the kitchen and traded a grin with Logan.

Mama Knight and Katie had left us alone in the apartment for the first time since the crash. It took some bribing but we finally convinced them to take the day off and go out. Of course she left Kendall and Logan in charge before leaving. Now Logan and I were preparing dinner for our first Fish Stick Friday since the crash and we were all excited.

"Not gonna happen!" Carlos exclaimed and slapped his helmet on his head before quickly crawling up the swirly. The Swirly Slide must be so happy that Carlos is his old self again.

I chuckled and took my eyes off the ball of energy to look over at my other two best friends. Kendall and James were viciously battling on the Xbox seemingly oblivious to the world. "It's so good to have things relatively normal." Logan's voice said, bringing my attention back to the kitchen.

I grinned at my boyfriend and pulled off my oven mitts. "I completely agree Mr. Mitchell." I admitted sauntering up to the pale teen and placing myself expertly in his lap. Logan smirked and brought his hands to my face before pulling my lips to his.

Our relationship only grew from where it had been pre-crash. I had thought we were inseparable before but now we were truly attached at the hip. Most nights I ended up falling asleep in his bed, of course never doing those _things _my brother was in the bed across the room. In fact all five of us pretty much refused to be out of each others sights for long and I knew it would be that way for a long time.

'_Beeeeeppppp' _Logan and I jumped as the oven timer went off and quickly ended the kiss. Reluctantly I got off Logan's lap and went to pull everything out of the oven so I could feed the ball of energy reeking havoc somewhere in the apartment.

"To the table mister." I ordered Logan before yelling out, "Boys dinner!"

I heard Carlos clambering down the slide as I carried everything into the dining room and set it on the table. I wasn't really surprised to see James, Carlos and Kendall already seated and ready to attack the food. I took a seat next to James and across from Logan before nodding to my impatient best friends. They savagely piled food onto their plates and I swear it looked like they have never eaten before.

After them, I calmly piled my own food onto my plate and savored the awesomeness that is fish sticks and tots. "Riley, .amazing."Carlos groaned and stuffed a full fish stick in his mouth.

"You do realize it was just frozen right?" Logan piped up, raising an eyebrow at the helmeted teen.

"Don't take away from my awesomeness Logain." I commented sending him a playful glare and taking a viscous bite from a tot.

"All you did was put them in the oven." Logan shot back with a smirk before I kicked out and let my foot connect with his shin, not even thinking. "Ow Ri, that was my leg." He complained.

"Careful, I'll put your head in the oven….." I trailed off and my eyes widened once what Logan said sunk in. I froze and looked at Logan to see his eyes widen too. The guys were busy laughing and hadn't seemed to realize what just happened.

"L-Logan did you say what I think you said?" I stuttered out and that seemed to bring Kendall, James and Carlos back to us and the sudden tension in the room.

Logan slowly nodded and that was all I needed to shoot out of my seat and rush around the table; dinner completely forgotten. The guys followed me as I grabbed the handles of Logan's wheelchair and pulled him out so we could view him fully. The guys crowded in front of him but I stayed behind, wrapping one arm around his neck loosely and burying my other hand in his hair.

"Try moving your left foot." I told him quietly, naming the leg I had kicked him in. I felt him tense and knew he was scared out of his mind but he wasn't the only one.

"I can't Ri." Logan breathed looking intently at his legs, "I don't _feel _them."

I nodded and locked eyes with Carlos "move his leg in circles very slowly." The Latino did just as I asked, lifting Logan's leg like he was holding priceless glass.

He slowly began moving his best friend's leg in circles. I'm pretty sure we all jumped when Logan gasped. Carlos immediately froze, not moving one inch.

"What? What do you feel?" James questioned in a voice no louder than a pen dropping.

"_Pins and needles."_ Logan hissed and I tightened my hold on him as an unexplainable feeling burst through my chest.

My eyes filled with tears as they locked onto Kendall's shocked ones. "When do you feel pins and needles?" I asked aloud, to who I didn't really care.

"When your limbs wake up." Logan replied in a whisper that had us all in tears. I broke my stare with Kendall and buried my face into Logan's cinnamon scented hair.

Tears streamed down my face as I said, "You _feel _pins and needles babe. _You feel."_

_Seven year olds Kendall, James, Logan, Carlos and Riley were all piled together in the tree house their dads built for them months ago. The temperature around them was rapidly approaching freezing and they only had each other and their coats for warmth. _

"_G-guys I ccant ffeeell my ffeeettt." Carlos chattered out, burrowing further into his coat and Kendalls chest._

"_It-s-s okkaayy Carlosss, y-yoou'll be fi-ine." Logan assured the small boy when he wasn't even sure himself. He felt Riley press herself further into his arms and he knew that she could tell he wasn't sure. _

"_B-b-but whattt iifff-f-f i-I nn-e-vvaa ff-ee-eelll the-m-m 'gaaaiiinn?" Carlos questioned, looking up at his bigger friends with wide tear filled eyes._

_Riley and James latched onto his glove covered hands. Riley stuttered out with confidence, "We'll fix you." _

_The guys were surprised she spoke with such coherency when none of them could. All Riley had in mind was getting it through all their skulls that they'd __**always **__fix each other, always._

**Wow. Uhm I can't believe I have finally finished this but I did and its 3:30 am and I have to be up in 4 hours for school but I don't care cuz im kind of really happy with that way this turned out. Orginally this was gonna be just the guys butttt I ended up with my OC in it and im sorry if you don't like OC's. Anyway please let me know what you think about this because I put a lot into it and it means a lot to me, more so than any of my others beside Story of a Girl maybe. **

**Please Review and if your still kind of confused LOGAN DID GET FEELING IN HIS LEGS AGAIN : ) There so that's clear.**

**P.S. Cheers to spelling something so wrong that not even spell check can tell what your trying to type : )**

**Love. Jamie**


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